I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
