I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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