I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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