I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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