I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
