I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
