Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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