I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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