I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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