Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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