i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
