You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
