I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
