i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
