I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
