My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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