He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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