a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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