The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
