thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
