I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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