My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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