For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
