mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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