This is not my ceiling
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
