My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
