How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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