I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
