I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
