I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
