Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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