last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
dude i'm inner monologue high
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It's blow job season.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
