ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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