Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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