1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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