i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
