Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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