Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
