i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
