If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
