Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
dude. I can hear the air.
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