who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
