WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
