I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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