Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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