mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
