Ketchup is God's man juice
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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