I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
