He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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