Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
