i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize