Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
