My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
