when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
