I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
