FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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