i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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