Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
