found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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