Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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